I’ve been horrible at office social dynamics, and because I knew I’m awful, I avoid as much social contacts as possible. The result? Suicide!

While I want to just get the job done and go home, it’s not the ideal way of the office. Rereading this post definitely help a lot. The first time I read this, I think I was on the verge of quiting my first office job so I didn’t really apply it. Now I think the advice is very solid, I tried once, to do 80% of the talking with one of the co-worker I barely talk to and knew I have issues, it worked, the situation is less awkward.

While I’ve been dishonest with myself and fleeting from problems and responsibility, I realize there’s something call social obligations to fulfill. Once I achieve certain reputation, people are gonna expect something from that reputation, and it could be useful in certain situations. While in the past, I’m too aloof to care, I just live my own pace, which is why I rarely have social momentum, people are not sure if I’m interested in them so they didn’t bother. I start to understand why my friends do certain things  even though they were reluctant. Eg: Repeating the accident story for the whole morning 10 times.

I also realize, I could achieve the frog prince magic within days only, and as time pass by, my magic unfold and I’ll still be the frog. I knew exactly what to do to be great with people I’m interested, but once I got not so enthused, I just drop everything and that’s bad for responsibility, obligation and bad for people’s feeling.

I just suck at relationship. That’s gonna be one of my sticky points I’ll focus on.

FR1

I met this girl in the plane, and I talk to her out of boredom, she wouldn’t respond at first so I keep trying different ways until she told me she’s not very good in English. So I try my Malay and things went pretty well. She told me her dad was working with very famous rich guy in town, and my first thought was, “ka-ching, let’s sell her insurance!”

Anyway, at some point of the interaction, I gave her my card, I didn’t think it was possible to met her again so I didn’t get her number. Out of my expectation, she texted me at night, and we vibe some more, it was great and I met her again in next day at the airport.

FR2

This girl, work at the perfume store at the airport, I walk in to talk about perfume, she mistaken me for flirting when I ask about I want something seductive, confident and smooth. I don’t remember why I gave her my name card, beside wanting to sell her insurance, she did text me after a few days and we keep in touch.

FR3

Met this cute girl at work, first time I lay my eyes on her I think she’s beautiful. She was there for an interview with other people and I was on my way to do something, only made eye contact with her at this point.  I met her again while she was waiting out side of the building for her ride, I wasn’t thinking anything when I see her, I just say “how’s your interview” and the conversation goes back and forth. When she’s about to leave, she ask for my name and I give her my card instead. I saw her holding my name card when she was sitting on the motorcycle, I was definitely waiting for her to contact me again. She text me after a few days. =) Went on a few dates with her and things are great.

And also, a temper for my patience, my values in life, my relationship with the people around me, my goals and dreams.

It was a long and rough journey, I sacrifice much. I learn many.

For one, I learn that, I have so much drive and energy to do so many in one day, only if I made plans and put them in actions. Without alignment of my values, I have 0 charm with people. And because I can’t be myself, who will dare to put their trust on me?

2. I learn that, not many people in my hometown can say no to another person. Most will just say later, without any changes in tone or body language, which is a code really hard to decipher .

3. I learn a lot about finance; Multi level marketing, fixed deposit, unit trust, saving plans, direct sales, insurance. I’ve took a peak in all. Each with their own pros and cons, people could really earn a vacation through these.

4. It’s really hard to teach social dynamics. My boss gave me wonderful advise, and they all contradict sooner or later. They were rarely specific. (or maybe she was waiting for me to ask)
If I humble myself and lower my standards, people will fuck with me. Then my boss will tell me, “you must appear confident and let the client feel you’re one hell of an agent.”
If I held my head high, and try to stand tall, I scare people away with my desperate struggle. And my boss will quote Dale Carnegie “There’s no point in winning an argument.”
Then I learn that, you can argue all the way when it comes to product, and when it’s something else, leave it be.

It’s obvious that this job is killing me. It definitely doesn’t suit my nature, which includes, being daring, bold, and over the top. How much I will bow for the sake of money? I don’t know. How much do I need to kill myself for the sake of money? I don’t know.

A lot of the things contradicts to what I spend years of sweat and tears to learn and achieved.

For instant, I can use silent as an advantage in a casual conversation (to create desired tension, pause or just slowing down) but in sales, silents can never stand by my side, it create awkward situation and it shows that I’m not a skilled sales person and with poor presentation and lack of description and experience.

In a casual setting, conversation is about a process, to genuinely get to know a person, but in sales, everything have a goal, every action have a reason, and behind a question is always a lead to something desired. I learn that honesty is the best way to create a connection, while honesty itself is a good deed that takes guts, it can also kill a sales opportunity. I can never tell people I just start as an insurance agent.

Without alignment, without my fangs and claws, do I grow new ones or do I starved? I don’t know.
As for my coming birthday, I have yet to figure out what to do. As least the idea I still have is giving more.

And life is good, some people remember to greet me good morning daily =)

In this journey, I have multiple reference point to this phenomena. While previously I didn’t understand how to redo this, nowadays, it’s something that’s always on.

Here’s an except I could find in THE GAME

“For some reason, I was on
fire. It was just one of those nights. Every woman’s eye was on me. A redhead
who was there with her fiance even slipped her number into my
pocket. I figured this must be what they call seducer’s aura: I was emanating
something special.”

While I don’t have any redhead slipped number into my pocket. I believe I’m entering a new realm. The world of hot girl.

Imagine I’m an equivalent object of the hottest girl in the room. The rules are different, and I’m being treated differently.

People are a little friendlier than before, girls move in a little bit closer, the world seems a little bit better. However, to enable this spell, there are 2 core requirements.

Believing in my own values, owning them.
And
Align my life to my purpose.

In 2008, I quit the job I always wanted since I was studying diploma, it wasn’t what I imagined when I have it, and I didn’t realize, IT IS the job until I quit it few weeks later.

2009, I tried a few things, working in boutique as sales assistant, went University in a quiet town, crazy adventures with dating and at the end of the year, I decided to quit my degree.

I never was responsible for my financial status ever since I start working, I didn’t care for the long run, my life was just about what’s tomorrow for me.

So I become an insurance agent. I wanted to try this. I was never good at persuading someone, I rarely argue, most of the time, in fact, I never really bother. And according to Dale Carnegie’s law, “HE WHO CAN DO THIS HAS THE WHOLE WORLD WITH HIM. HE WHO CANNOT WALKS A LONELY WAY”, if I couldn’t arouse an eager of want in the other person, I’m gonna walk a lonely path, and I did. I have so much good things and great things to share. But I don’t even try, I simply just walk away if people are not interested. That’s why my life didn’t prosper, even though I got the strength to talk to random girls, I’m still running away, from commitment.

This job will be my first ever job that I’m gonna work hard and be responsible for my financial status. I made a goal to achieve a monthly income of 3k, deadline on June 30 2010. I also decided another target to complete in the year of 2010. To achieve blackbelt in hapkido.

So Why insurance?

Of all the things, why insurance? I don’t really know myself, I don’t have a grand nor solid reason. I didn’t even decide the time to join, I was hoping to finish my 2 books “art of seduction” and “awaken the giant within” then decide what to do with life.

Here’s what really happen. I pick up the phone and ask my friend, “get me in the insurance company” So I attend the motivation workshop, and one of the agent who appear close to my friend told me to come in the morning. So I thought “oh another motivation lessons, let’s try new stuff and meet new people” And I did went there in the morning, understand nothing what they’re talking nor doing at all. And when it’s over, the girl (agent) just drop me some forms and other form like interview questions. She just ask me to do it with a smile. And I was like WTF when I read the papers. When you have pen and paper on your hand, I don’t’ know what you guys will do, for me, I just work on it. Took me less than 3 seconds to decide to be an agent and I say “let’s do it” in my head.

And off I went through one of the most stressful days of 2009. Half of the morning I wake up, missing the days of day dreaming and catching butterflies like how spongebob catch jellyfish, the other half I curse myself for waking up so early and not even sure what I’m doing. The first few mornings were the hardest, I actually replay Rocky Balboa’s motivation speech in my head “It’s not about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward”

And I just keep moving forward to shower and change while I talk shit in my head. The best part about these mornings are, I get the feeling I’m gonna own the world. A feeling I never had in my previous jobs.

Some days I felt like quiting, like “dude, let’s go catch some butterflies, chase skirts, get 7 gfs” On those days, it was hard, but I just shut up and not complain, and told myself, let’s try another day.

I definitely become much more proactive and aggressive in life. Other qualities, take times to develop. We’ll see.

So I redo the exercise and this time, I think the answers are much more refined.

1. Martial Art, social science,

other interest are computer games, card shuffle, movies, youtube artist, dancing, singing, food adventure, writing blog, travelling, culture,

2. I’m open minded, western cultured. I love to met interesting new people, food adventurous, fun loving

3. love and be loved.

4. to see good things in people

5. maturity, affectionate, fun loving.

6. to compliment me, I think maturity plays a big role as I’m never mature
in many aspect of life, I actually learn more with mature women.

I just love an affectionate girl, growing up, the female around me don’t show it,
and I wouldn’t know if my girl doesn’t show it.

I changed the order, fun loving as the 3rd, I need to be reminded how much fun I can be.

7. Confident, while I’m not the most confident guy in the world, i’m definitely confident in my choices in life.
Well groomed.
social, if I want to.
sexually adventurous.

8. To be the social man I always wanted to be, to face fear head on, have fun and be happy.

9. broken family, miri, pu experience

10. Name 3-5 beliefs you have about yourself that hold you back, and you would like to change.

11. not dominant, not leading enough.
my lack of dominant can be seen as compassion, as I care alot, just sometimes too much
Not leading enough, sometimes I jsut want to go along the flow.

12. to hurt and be hurt, that I become too needy or obsessed.

13. They think I’m a pretty face, confident.
I’m pretty much out of reach. 0 attainability as I’m always in my world. I need to change this.

I went to this cafe lots of times, but this cute girl only works in the morning and morning is not my favourite time being out. So I’ve seen her couple of times, we exchange eye contact but barely say anything for chic chat, aside my orders and she coming to collect the bill and telling me how much to pay.

The first time I saw her, I think she’s beautiful, she may not be over the top, model beautiful but she is beautiful to me. And while I’ve been learning more about energy, looking at her, just makes me feel good.  It’s like the “ahh” moment and sends good energy into my body like an inspiration.

I never thought of doing anything at first. The first time we made eye contacts, she smile, look side ways and look at me again. And I went into my mind, reference about this scenario detected. Yes I read about this. It’s an Indicator of Interest (IOI) still, I’m just there for breakfast, having a good time by myself.

So one day, I decided, I want to know this girl but because she’s shy, and I’m not in social mode in the morning, I never made real conversation with her. I asked for her name once but totally forgot about it soon.

So I just decided I’m gonna ask for her number since the social setting isn’t comfortable for us to talk at her work place. So I went to the cafe in the morning again, but I didn’t do anything about her. I was waiting for a somewhat perfect moment, didn’t happen.

Then, one morning, after she collect the money from me, I just go “give me your number” I wasn’t confident at all, my heart was bumping fast, and when I say those 4 words, my mind stop. Which reminds me of the time when I ask a girl at Singapore “Where can I get some condom” but this time, I wasn’t ready to burst into laughter, this time, I felt like I was going to die. She was shocked, but she complies.

Last week we talk about the my number closing day, and she told me there’s another guy who asked for her number but because he was too direct, she find it creepy so she didn’t.

To break down everything.

In terms of being direct, everything is calibrated as it’s direct. She knows I want her.

If I were to go in outcome independent. It’ll be “Hey what’s up girl, =) give me your number” could have work.

Or I could go in totally confident and cool. Think James Bond “Hey, give me your number” which is totally too serious and over the top. It works if the chick is interested. In reality, James Bond style is bad for ice breaking. This kind of number closing leave no room for alternatives, yes or no, it’s awkward for the girl. I had heard about this from a girl and the girl gave the guy number but she really doesn’t want to, she just do it to be polite.

Direct is high risk, and high reward.

While I could still be rejected. Here what are the groundworks that make things work. The eye contact exchanges and I was nervous when I ask for her number, which make me seem genuine and relatable cause she’s nervous too.

While I learn this too late, nevertheless, I learn that outcome independent, is not genuine.

This year I’ve been experimenting with being direct, and I must I’m enjoying it a lot. It’s much more my way of doing things. While there are times I hit off the right timing, all of them are good experience. There are also times I wasn’t direct enough. This was with a girl at a convenient store.

“I want to kiss you the first time I see you” (whisper to her ear in a serious tone)
“Hahahaha, no it’s not true” (she’s not buying it)

and there wasn’t any IOI, I knew with the vibe I have to escalate but I didn’t.

Of course there are times when I made things awkward when I’m direct.

And today, while juggling ideas in my mind things to write. I decided, i need to make up my mind about this blog of mine.

This blog will be documentation on my thoughts, ideas and lifestyle for the whole transformation towards being social, adventurous, spontaneous person and how I had achieved my ideals.

I personally try not to kiss and tell, but I will post for education purpose and for people who are not familiar in this new world I step in, to be able to read, understand and relate how everything I’ve done is possible for them too.

All my life, I had been different. I always envy those who have their own crowd and their own gangs of friends. One of my goals in self development, is to achieve that. However, I’ve been learning from the best teacher, and what I want to be, as a person, standout too much from the rest. In my 3 months time in Curtin Malaysia, I haven’t have a crowd of friends. Aside from my lifestyle, I wonder why?

I also realize, my way of communications and mechanic, is way out of Asian culture. The first 2 months, although I tried my best to be super friendly and talked to anyone, I couldn’t relate to many, and vice versa. And because I stand out too much, even though I’m friendly, even though I’m good in many things, martial art, english, social dynamics, girls. I still couldn’t get buddies.

Until lately, I discover that, I have express so much great qualities of myself, but I rarely show my vulnerabilities. I don’t mean to confide deepest darkest secret to the next person I met in 5 minutes. Show vulnerabilities, but with calibration.

Disqualification. This technique is widely discussed among the teachings of Charisma Art. I myself got a great lecture from Dan’s blog from Charisma Tips. Before I get into disqualification, let me say this, showing vulnerabilities, takes confident and courage, and yes, I’m always scared shitless to do it.

Imagine talking to your favorite celebrity, would you be listening to him/her talking about the fame and success or do you think you’ll have an up close and personal conversation?

A rich man, doesn’t need need to tell people he’s rich.

If your favourite celebrity is going to consider you as friends, and is socially calibrated. He will never talk about fame and success, not without disqualification.

What is disqualification (DQ)?

Instead of copy and paste the definition, let’s go through the examples.

My personal experience are

Example 1

Me: “You are such a nice girl”

Girl: ” OH but I can be bad too”

Example 2

Girl: “You are so *insert the best compliment here*”

Me: “Oh thank you, but I’m not *insert the best compliment here*, sometimes I’m lazy”

Other examples which I’ve copied from Charisma Arts Forum and Dan’s blog are

“Are you a virgin?” Yeah, I can only last 10 secs.

You’re lame. Yeah I’m lame, I’m the king of lame, be careful or you’ll join my kingdom of lame.

You’re too young. “I absolutely agree, that’s the same thing my ex gf who was 10 years older than me.”

“Nice car.” Thank you, it just make up to my manliness.

What dq can achieve

confident, as you shown you are comfortable in your own skin, especially weakness.

turn weakness into strength

Communicate  to others “You are perfect the way you are, I like the way you are, I am accepting the way you are”

Looking forward for an opposite view

relatable

And these ares my dq lines I have yet to share it with anyone. Oh and I mean it, for these dq.

I hate to kiss and tell. But it’s hard, and I find myself talking about it sometimes, so when I talk about it, I try to leave out the details.

I love confident people and being confident, still there are times I find myself getting scared shitless doing the things I do or to say something.

I flirt around alot, I’m always playful and not serious, still I only give the amount of what I think she could take. Unless I want more =)

I know my accent is different, but that doesn’t make me any better. I just put alot of time and effort since years ago and got a few tricks being good in English.

I love being around women, I don’t deny being a player, I actually care for everyone of the girl. and like them. genuinely appreciate them.

I hate to be such a control freak, I’m learning how to be in control and step up and still be considerate for others.

I’m not always this jolly, sometimes I pretend to be, the I take the first few steps and the flow will just come.

I hate being emo and complaining, but I see it as a sign I’ve reach my limit and I need to be taken care of, expressing it all out.

I can be high and party, or talk to anyone I like, there are times I dont’ talk at all, I just slow down, watch and listen.

I need that social momentum, where I tell the world “I am here” and fully expressed myself. I still haven’t figured out how much time I need to spend to socialize each day. I need one moment in each day, to be present, to say my mind’s words, to feel now and be now, say now. To be heard. Then I know I’m one with the world.