Confessions

I was never good being complete honest. From time to time, I find myself running away from the moment of truth.

I’ve read “There’s no ego and pride in confessions” so let me, learn how to confess.

Identity questions are really something that I don’t love to think about. Whole my life, I’ve been volatile, adapting to please everyone. To finally decide the one identity to become, I’m just not ready yet.

In the community, this topic is just as briefly covered as the topic inner game/confident.

Identity is also explained as something I’m doing daily. I read manga and play computer games, daily so that makes me a nerd. In short, it’s the history that define me.

Till this day, I’ve come across many questions that should help me realize my identity.

What ideals you stand for
What ideals you want to stand for
What makes you “you”?
What makes you “special”?
What are the defining characteristics of Shiro?

I could write endless about my past but I wasn’t proud of my past. I wasn’t living the best of me.

I thought great questions about identity. To me, identity would mean
What you do in a consistent manner, what is your composure.
What you want? In life, career, romance, friends and etc.

Then I thought about
Habits
Tonality
Body language/posture
Eye Contact
Mindset
Passion
Diets
All these form me.

I was read, there’s 3 side of a person. The first is the self perspective, the 2nd is the real truth and the 3rd is from a 3rd person’s perspective.

For me, I still believe I am a social man, but in truth, I’m quiet most of the time while each of my friends think of me different.

So when defining myself on the above characteristics, it is important to have 2 sets of answers. One is the current me and the other, the value and traits I wish to possess.

I also confess that I wasn’t 100% honest with the questionaire for the pre-bootcamp survey especially about myself. I actually ask a close friend 1-2 questions and use the same answer thinking I’m pretty close to that while in reality, I’m not.
To think people are replaceable, I think I got this mindset when I first lock myself from the world, this push people away and kill relationship.

From time to time, I find myself indulging in pleasure, always looking for pleasure. Like playing game in office while waiting for my co-worker to hand over the task. Playing game, writing, reading when I was frustrating at current task and more embarrassing example. Day dreaming too, I fantasize a lot whole my life and it’s beyond healthy level.

That’s all for now.