It’s a good defeat

“Reality is subjective”
“Life is good, even when it’s bad” -David

There’s a lot I’ve lost ever since, I’m living a pretty depressing lifestyle. I go to work as usual, I go to martial art training as usual, and for the rest of the time, I play dota. I just sit in front of the computer, and play till I’m tired. The good news is, I still have a good outlook in life.

It’s a good defeat, there’s so many things I noticed that I never did before like there’s a huge behaviour inconsistency.

At work, I acknowledge the cleaners, I nods and smile to the despatch team, but I didn’t do that to  other department. When I go for lunch, I’m a lil social, I acknowledge the waiters & waitress. In clubs, I talk to everyone.

This observation I discover today, is very important, one of the missing puzzles that I’ve been looking for ever since I’m back from Singapore. I used to thought I need to talk more to strangers, but it’s not.

I’m still scared shitless to move out of my own comfort zone. I expect myself to be nervous to sing in the company dinner last night, but when I do, I don’t feel any nervous. The intro of the song was great enough to make everyone clap in rhyme and put me on the spot, and I don’t feel any awkward.  It just felt like the given attention is normal. My buddy, Abusaid thinks I just lack the belief in myself.

One of my major flaws is that I show different different side of me to different person. It is normal to adapt acording to social condition, but I do it in a manner that I lose myself.This is something that I’ve been drilled since a chill by sadistic minds. It will be tough to change since it’s a lifetime habit. 

This is the potential I saw in The Game (the knowledge and community). I see salvation for my fucked up life. I see ways and methods to be aware of the social conditions that I’ve been abused by. I see answers to be discover how my world become so and how I can fix it.

Yeah, there’s a better life for everyone.