Muse

It seems, Singapore and English, they are something I feel belong. Every time I come back Singapore, I feel recharged, empowered, a better happier person.

Compare to where I grow up, here, I feel degraded, so so much challenge to be what I want to be, I didn’t want to be any less than my best, but god, this is so hard. So fucking difficult.

There are so many things I lack in this life. In the past 22 years, I’m only alive for the last 2 years. For the rest, I’m only drifting thru, I see those people in my memories, I know them, but I don’t really care, it’s like somebody else’s memories and feelings. I’m like a ghost to myself.

Social intelligent, persuation, charisma, bootcamp can only help me much, and the rest are up to me. But it’s not enough. I can only read books, great books recommended, and to realize, how much a fool I am.

I didn’t want to be like this. I didn’t like it to be here. Singapore is easy, because my problems were instantly gone. But here, I have to acknowledge them, feel the pain, and keep moving forward. That is hard, see, to move on, I haven’t learn any other way but to leave everything behind, it is a lonely road. And I get tired too.

And I did tried, it just doesn’t work that way. I can’t simply cut of the past and start everything a new. I wanted a new passion, new lifestyle, new pastimes, new social circle. And I did got it, it just doesn’t seem to be what I want.

“Did you do daily affirmation?”
No, it was a pain, to do that, I used to know what I want, making that choice and to learn it’s a mistake, is a big ass pain. I become less than a pain, I want to run from it.

“Nature won’t give things to you, it will just drop it somewhere near, because it knows that, if it just give it to you, you won’t appreciate it”
So I made the choice, after all the fears and doubts, I made a choice to go get a degree. I couldn’t go back to the corporate world again, I couldn’t ever since that damage to my self esteem, I was hurt. And I haven’t recovered. One way or another, I’m still a living zombie. So the plans, internet marketting, getting interviews and making phone calls just to find out what I’m worth in the market, I did make that thoughts, I did do something, I just didn’t finish them. How could I? It all seems worthless after a while.